Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 2: The Hardiman Diaries

todayMarch 30, 2020 21

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Report 2 Day 1
Alcohol units: 18
Showers: 0
Jogs: 0
Kids alive: 3

We are living in interesting times – the herd is restless.

It started with a 3 way argument between the litter. Raised voices as 2 were adamant that if you own a car in Xbox Forza Horizon (won or bought, an important element in the defenses case) then that was your car for life; no one else can use it in the family. The third (admittedly a belligerent shit and a socialist) believed that all cars were to be shared in the game be it a rusty Land Rover or a Ferrari 458 – he was putting up a pretty good protest to be fair – he had even made a cardboard protest sign but being 7 had misspelled it – held aloft, “your poo” (sic) had little affect on his brothers on the other side of the picket line.

Just as it became a shouting match over cars that didn’t actually exist, amongst a group of sub-12 year old boys who couldn’t actually drive (in real life or the game…they are crap…too much throttle I tell them and not enough brake into the turns).

It was all getting a little “Lord of the Flies” and I needed to step in and save “Piggy”, so I interjected with much needed adult logic.

I own the cars I said, as I paid for the Xbox along with the internet connection and as their mother and I are married in ANC (with accrual) she has occasional rights to the Lambo.

We don’t need this Corbynism rubbish around here, this lockdown requires a dictatorship!

For all those asking, the dog is fine. I read her an article in the Cape Times about the bit where Government has disallowed her walks; I set her food on the paper later, in case she wanted to read the article – like me she was dubious but I think it was more based on her lack of trust in Cape Times reporting…it has been quite crap over the last few years, I will her give that.

One last interesting development dear diary.

We have found a new way to check on life outside of the “compound” – every two hours we are sending up a drone to survey the outside world. It’s quite “1984” but in this case we are “Big Brother” so I am okay with it.

On the last drone surveil of the day, 15:42 (GMT +2), Mrs Baker from number 32 was spotted 1 meter beyond her boundary and on what looked to be the “pavement”. I have recorded the footage and shall be notifying the relevant authorities.

I am sorry Mrs B, rules are rules; not on my watch!

Update: 19:05 (GMT +2)

Disturbed by large commotion at number 32; a large army Ratel (do we still use those?) pulled up outside and 3 soldiers are now escorting an hysterical Mrs B to the truck in handcuffs. My eldest tells me her cat went missing just before the lockdown and she has been looking for it in our street for the last few days.

This may explain her being outside I guess but she is an adult! At 86 she should know better! Look, I do feel slightly guilty – perhaps I should have called her daughter instead of the COVID19 hotline but the operator on the other end was quite adamant that I give all the details and her particulars.

On the plus side they did take her wheelchair so she will be comfortable wherever they are incarcerating her – she may even get one hour walks around “the yard” if it’s Polsmoor…so that’s something positive.

Her daughter just called the wife to find out “what the hell happened”…I kept schtum and muttered “shame” a lot in the background – we did offer to keep a look out for Raymond, the cat in the meantime…personally feel its free and not locked down with a soon to be ex-Con…so it’s better off surely?

Dear diary, unease as settled across the compound as a result of this evening; the kids and wife looking at me like I am to blame for Mrs B’s predicament.

Pretty sure I heard youngest mutter “snitches get stitches…”.

I have moved most of the sharp knives to the top draw; “Corbyn” is the shortest of the litter and feel safer now.


Written by: Sean Loots

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Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 1: The Hardiman Diaries

Report 1: Night 1 Alcohol units: 07 Showers: 0 Jogs: 0 Kids alive: 3 We survived last night, although the sudden urge to go for a run at 3am woke us up, we resisted. Instead we dusted off and donned the gym kit that neither my wife nor I had used for the last 3 years, sat at the table and lamented that fact that although we didn’t normally go […]

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