Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 3: The Hardiman Diaries

todayMarch 30, 2020 31

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Report 3: Day 2
Alcohol units: 38
Showers: 1
Jogs: 0
Kids alive: 3
Missing cat: 1

Dear Diary, what a time to be alive.

Woke up early to take part in this new online workout craze…its to get fit while we are on lockdown. Basically you are supposed to pull on your best gym kit, take selfies, share it “on the gram” and then log onto JEFF Together and sweat it out with Johno Meintjes ,his wife and kids and the rest of SA.

Essentially it’s like a modern day version of that Body Beat insert that my mum used to do in a neon leotard in front of the TV every morning while watching that ‘oke Phil Joffe on Good Morning SA back in the 80’s…pretty sure it was just after the cartoons?

Wife and I watched the sweaty’s do their thing on the iPad while we had coffee and rusks (all bran) in our pajamas – it’s good but looks like quite hectic to be honest – maybe tomorrow?

I checked our alcohol stock to see if we will make it; many on social media are predicting an extension to the lockdown period here in South Africa and as such I wanted to “do the math” as they say, on the supplies.

The news is not good my friend; my calculations show we are progressing into day three 6 days behind (or is it ahead? either way its distressing)…I say “we” but I’m the only drinker in the house so this is no ones problem but mine; either I accept my fate of facing 1 to 2 weeks of this shit-show sober or come up with a new plan. Let’s be honest no parent will consciously make it through this sober so plan B needs to be enacted and stat!

I have decided that Plan B involves building my own distillery in the shed at the bottom end of the garden; as Joseph wont be here on the weekends to “do the beds” (don’t worry we are still paying him), it could stand as an undisturbed paradise for moonshine manufacturing. After googling “what ingredients will I need for my own vodka vat?” I seem to have a recipe that aligns with what is in the kitchen cupboards.

I have quietly removed the wife’s pressure cooker from the kitchen along with 3 potatoes…I need to be slow and stealthy here as the wife has numbered the veg, along with a number of other food items for her Armageddon stockpiling excel sheet. I have the potatoes numbered 3, 21 and 40…hidden in a sock,I shall remove more as the week progresses – will keep you updated.

P.S. I have mentioned to the wife that I noticed Avocado #4 looks a bit brown and may require using soon – at forty bucks an avocado you would hope for a better life expectancy from Woolies?

Talking of life expectancy a major update in SA’s fight for survival – I read this morning that whilst everywhere else in the world the Corona virus is devastating populations, here in South Africa we maybe the only nation to have gone from 2 deaths back to 1…at this rate we should be back to zero by Monday which is encouraging.

Update on the cat: So far no sign of Raymond, not that we have looked to be honest; as my father said when our cat disappeared when we were kids, “it’s bound to turn up eventually when its hungry”. Our’s never did turn up having been run over by a car on the main road – this didn’t stop my father pointing out that his theory remained intact as a dead cat obviously wouldn’t be hungry. It’s a hard one to argue.

Mrs B, unlike Raymond, has been found. Apparently she was taken to a Pinelands police station to be booked and spent the night there – I feel dreadful of course but these are uneasy times for all of us and at least she got a day out! The rest of us are still locked up! She was brought back home today in the back of a police bakkie…I watched through the upstairs window blinds as they helped her out the back of the van…swear she gave me some side-eye as they wheeled her back inside…at least I don’t have record Mrs.B.

It’s Sunday so we are already planning ahead to watch the President on TV again. I swear he has replaced Carte Blanche as number one viewing on a Sunday night here in SA…although at least Dereck and the crew were always on time. Cyril is excellent at these times, def the right choice to lead the nation right now, although I do think they should rethink the deaf interpreters they are using, as my father-in-law says its a bloody pandemic not a chance to audition for SA’s Got Talent (top show btw) – they need to dial down the enthusiasm.

The dog to be honest is looking a little depressed. I cannot tell wether it’s the lack of walks or having to share “her” couch with the rest of us on a daily basis. The kids have managed to use more gigabytes of data than NASA launching the Mars Rover and my wife told me earlier she has “finished” Netflix?

Those potatoes better turn to vodka bloody quickly.


Written by: Sean Loots

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Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 2: The Hardiman Diaries

Report 2 Day 1 Alcohol units: 18 Showers: 0 Jogs: 0 Kids alive: 3 We are living in interesting times - the herd is restless. It started with a 3 way argument between the litter. Raised voices as 2 were adamant that if you own a car in Xbox Forza Horizon (won or bought, an important element in the defenses case) then that was your car for life; no one […]

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