Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 4: The Hardiman Diaries

todayMarch 30, 2020 22

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Report 4: Day 3
Alcohol units: 49
Showers: 1
Facial hair: Rugged
Jogs: 0
Cat: 0
Kids alive: 3
Potatoes: 5
Father-in-laws: 1

Dear Diary, cant say that day 3 under lockdown was a boring one.

Raymond the cat remains MIA. One of the kids thought he heard meowing earlier when they were playing in the garden, but given we live in Pinelands which is inhabited by more octogenarian feline lovers than a stage play cast of CATS (movie version terrible) I feel this is not enough to act as proof of life.

Situation with the dog remains the same – she has taken to staring longingly at her lead hanging on coat hooks, much like I used to look at Penelope Cruz on the cover of the “Vanilla Sky” DVD…the dog and I probably had the same thought process…Why do I feel this way? When? Will it ever be possible?

I saw a video on FB last week of a bloke who took his dog for a walk using a drone – quite clever actually – lead attached to drone on one end while the other was connected to the dog, the drone flew along…and off they went, she would have loved it!

Sadly my drone has been confiscated by law-enforcement.

At first I thought they had discovered mine and Josephs “hemp”, growing behind the shed…but pretty sure that is legal now…for our own use surely?

It turned out, someone complained to the authorities about our “surveillance” drone making a racket in the neighborhood every 2 hours, which meant we were visited by two policemen (no face masks I might add but they stood the requisite 2 meters away) who told me I would no longer be able to fly it. I tried to explain that I was using it for good like Batman protecting Gotham in these strange times…I was only helping you people, I said.

I am not sure if it was the Batman part (not everybody’s fav since Christian Bale left the franchise) or the “you people” bit but I was quickly asked, quite sternly, to handover the drone and sign a form saying I could pick it up “when Gotham was safe again…” I thought the last bit was a bit uncalled for to be honest…I was only trying to help and be a good citizen, Bruce Wayne would do the same.

I am completely blaming Mrs. B for calling the Po-Po on me; it’s the kind of thing she would do…she once called her daughter to call my wife to complain about the pool pump noise at the back of her garden at 10pm at night…surely at 86 she should be near 100% deaf by now? My luck to move next door to a healthy one.

While we lost a drone, dear diary I gained a lodger.

It’s a long story but at around 9:30pm last night my father-in-law arrived “to see the kids” (all asleep). My wife was furious given the lockdown mode we are all supposed to be in – he of course protested saying he came straight from home, didn’t stop anywhere and was really quiet and stealthy on his way over…as any 71 one year old in a 4 liter V8 Toyota Prada could be on the deserted streets of Cape Town I guess?

My wife was almost about to send him home again but then I noticed he had a bottle of Bells in his hand…given the current alcohol crisis we are suffering and the time its taking to set up my distillery, I told the wife perhaps we should not be so hasty and the “FiL” should join us.

She reluctantly agreed, but later said he would now have to stay with us until the lockdown ended and made up a bed in the spare room.

I fear, dear diary, I may have shot myself in the foot here somewhat; I love my FiL but at the same time he is a prolific drinker…the short term gain of 330ml’s of Scottish gold may cost me in precious stock over the next 18 days…I hastily nipped to the cupboard and removed potatoes #55 and #13 – FYI I need a new “storage sock”.

To be fair my Father in law was quite prepared to be stopped by the army coming over and had prepped quite well. Over a triple on ice, he showed me his made up “emergency kit” that he was going to pull out in case an over zealous staff sergeant pulled him over.

He had taken an old pill packet (from the Vet nogal) and filled it with red M&M’s. His plan was to show this at the road block and tell them he was on a critical mission to our house to supply medication – quite clever of the old man I thought.

Not sure if it would have worked frankly…I pointed out that the sweets had “M”written on each one, but he shot back that that was why he chosen them – “all part of the plan!” The “M” ,he said, was for “mergency”, therefore reinforcing his narrative to the deployed troops.

“Foolproof!” he exclaimed.

I wasn’t as convinced to be honest but they made a nice and welcome snack to compliment the Bells. After a few more drinks, I loosened up and told him about my Vodka distillery plans…he is now a co-conspirator and has agreed to help me in potato removal exercises. There maybe a positive outcome here after-all.

Update: 3am (GMT+2)

Dear Diary I have woken up in a sweat! The father-in-law and I ended up going to bed quite late after a few drinks and a long story about his time on the border and how these okes who have been deployed now are only guarding empty streets and making sure Nando’s stays shut…he reckons they will be lucky if the get to actually shoot anyone (not sure how I felt about that bit).

BUT…we may have eaten quite a LARGE portion of the kids Easter Eggs.

I don’t know what to do? We stocked up prior to the lockdown knowing Easter was heading our way but I am not sure if Pick N Pay is seeing chocolate eggs as an essential item and whether they are replaceable????

I am already working on a story that the bunny may have been quarantined this year…going to introduce the subject to the kids at breakfast and see how it lands. FML.


Written by: Sean Loots

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Richard Hardimans Lockdown Diaries

Diary report 3: The Hardiman Diaries

Report 3: Day 2 Alcohol units: 38 Showers: 1 Jogs: 0 Kids alive: 3 Missing cat: 1 Dear Diary, what a time to be alive. Woke up early to take part in this new online workout craze...its to get fit while we are on lockdown. Basically you are supposed to pull on your best gym kit, take selfies, share it "on the gram" and then log onto JEFF Together and […]

todayMarch 30, 2020 31