Diary report 5: The Hardiman Diaries

Dear Diary Haven’t slept. Lay awake from 3am worrying about the missing Easter Eggs, how to replace them while simultaneously googling “how to become Jewish in 13 days”. Desperate times.

Report 5: Day 4

Alcohol units: 55
Showers: 2
Facial hair: Jake Gyllenhaal (Rugged bordering on unkempt)
Jogs: 0
Cat: 0
Dog: 1
Wife: 1
Kids alive: 3
Potatoes: 25
Father-in-laws: 1
Easter Eggs: Not enough

My thinking on the latter is that if I could convert to Judaism (online Shul?) then I could be safe over Passover (8 days of cover); yes there will still be eggs involved but hard boiled ones. I can claim the lockdown has sent me into a religious fervor – we have raw eggs in the fridge so step one is taken care of.

I Whatsapp’d my mate Paul (Jewish) for the name of a Christian friendly Rabbi and a good online conversion site, along with my plan – 2 grey ticks but not read.

Feeling so bad (and hungover) I decided to do the JEFF Together online gym session thing at 8am; 2 reasons for this – the combination of the Father-in-laws whiskey drinking session combined with 2 large chocolate bunnies and 11 marshmallow eggs means that its probably a good thing to sweat this out.

Secondly I am hoping the wife will see that I am being extra careful with my body in the time of lockdown, taking her advice to eat properly and exercise and later go easy on me when I tell her how nearly 25 Easter eggs died last night.

Workout was good…I mean I nearly died of course… but I could see how fit people would love it. Man that Johno Meintjes and his wife are fit! Full on fit…although I do feel for Jules his wife…she is the one that has to do all the work? Johno just drinks coffee, shouts at her and us while we quickly sweat to death? May have a word.

As it turned out I didn’t need to tell the wife about the egg situation. Our overzealous makeshift-shabeen-ing last night gave us away; we seemed to have forgotten to clean up after ourselves. Apparently the place looked like a multicolored tinfoil factory had exploded. A bunny massacre where only a CSI crew could put together what may have happened (I miss David Caruso in the Miami one…loved that guy…they should def think about bringing him back – total legend).

The wife is not impressed. Even me throwing my water over my face and hair to look extra “sweaty” from the workout (so she could see I am trying hard) failed to do anything.

Have to be honest, I may have made it worse by suggesting my 2 plans – one, telling the litter that the Easter Bunny had been quarantined because of Covid-19 and two…we become Jewish and we do it fast.

She’s now not talking to me.

No word from Paulie either, still 2 grey ticks; considering that I am urgently trying to join his gang you would have thought he would be quicker to help gain the members?

Gave the Bunny lockdown story a go. Casually mention to the eldest “taker-of-my-cash” that I heard the giver of all things chocolate may also be on lockdown because of this whole virus thing…he immediately scoffed. “Dad, everyone knows that rabbits do not get infected by COVID-19 and unless we are going to eat the actual Easter Bunny, there is very little chance of transference anyways…I think we are good.”

Good chat then. Little shit. Suddenly wishing that it was the Easter “Pangolin” that was coming to visit…that would teach him! Have “accidentally” cut off his hotspot feed to my phone…also sent wife a whatsapp (she is still not talking to me) to say I think we need to dial down his education while on lockdown…kids too clever and that could be dangerous for us later in life.

Child number three very miz today – says he got no sleep as there as a monster crying outside his window all night. Told him there was no such thing and it may just have been Poppie (Father-in-law) snoring.

Paulie has come back to me. Turns out that the conversion thing it’s not a great idea for several reasons.

(A) It would be frowned upon by the community (assume his?).

(B) It would take longer than 13 days anyways and apparently you have to really serious about it (boet, to me its life or death! Could not be more serious).

(C) Woollies is selling chocolate eggs like hotcakes so I should just go down to the shops and replace them – but not today or tomorrow he says, as its Grants day in SA and the we are supposed to wait for the less fortunate to go first…hope they don’t snag my chocolate.

Tell wife the great news and how we are saved – not in the religious sense obviously…her reaction dear Diary was:

“That’s hardly the point now is it?”

I am writing that down Diary, verbatim, so you can take that in.

I confined myself to TV room now the “Office” for the rest of the day to work. I was briefly interrupted by the Poppie and a pillowcase full of numbered potatoes. Apparently after listening to my plan about the distillery last night he went on a “mission” to raid the stores after I went to bed.

I am worried he has been extremely overzealous in his midnight reconnoiter. I tried to explain again that the wife had numbered each potato so we needed to go slow…she knows her veg!!!

He had removed 20 in one shot! Its Bangers and Mash for dinner this eve so pretty sure she will notice 20 spuds missing!

He has left the pillow case with me so now it is somehow my job to sneak them back in…honestly we are supposed to be breaking out of “Colditz” not sneaking the prisoners back in! Given the way the day has gone so far I am not holding out for success here. I stuff the bag under my feet and shove it to the back of my desk.

Mrs. B’s daughter has called the wife again…to see if Raymond the cat has pitched up yet. Honestly if it hasn’t come back now its probably moved on…she should too.

I am writing this on my phone from my bed now. Fortunately youngest is sandwiched between us because of the “monster” from last night…so wife is not allowed to talk crossly to me (not in front of the kids, her rule not mine). It also means though I am not sure if she has noticed the recent potato famine in the food cupboard.

Tomorrow is a busy one.

1 x Woolies trip

1 x Potato re-smuggle mission

1 x Mission “distillery is ago”!

What a time to be alive.

RH